“You Don’t Look Like a ‘Ladies Man,’ What Gives You the Right to Coach This Stuff?”

When people hear the words “dating coach” or even “relationship coach,” certain images come to mind.

The most popular is that of a super suave, suit and sunglasses-at-night wearing, wine drinking, yacht riding playboy, surrounded by hot babes….with or without lots of booze and coke to go along with it.

We associate all coaches with this lifestyle, so when someone like me comes along who clearly doesn’t run in those types of circles…..we immediately rush to doubt the source.

“You just look like a normal guy….how can YOU coach guys how to meet women?”

“Dude..you’re like….bald and stuff. How can you be an authority on attracting women?”

“Where’s all the money and bitches, man? I thought dudes like you lived the high life.”

(Yes, these were actual comments I received.)

It’s a good question though….how can I be an authority?

When I decided I needed to get a coach…I immediately looked at guys who on the surface looked like they were living it up.

My first coach was a 6’5″ male model…who has done acting and movie roles, and who used to be an assistant coach for one of the most well known dating and attraction experts (you’ve most likely seen this person on Youtube.)

At first, he seemed great. He looked like he had the life I wanted, and was attracting the types of women most guys would clamor for.

He taught me about confidence, and how to love myself again after my last relationship ended in a bad way.

But there was one thing that was missing..

I noticed this when he would approach and talk to women on our nights out.

The fact that he looked the way he did meant that his reality in dating was a whole lot different than mine.

When we were out, he would do nothing more than use his “natural advantages” to attract his prospects.

This is something that I was simply not going to be able to do.

Furthermore, this guy’s dates would end very quickly….and none of them led him to any long term success.

I didn’t learn much about how to improve conversation….how to make a deep connection…how to find out if this person was right for me or not…basically all the skills I really needed to know.

So after a while..I decided to leave his services and find someone else.

This time, I found someone who was a little older….a little greyer…a little shorter…..and a bit more average looking.

Although at first glance no one would mistake him for a “ladies man,” he did have some things that were very important:

1) He had a long term relationship with a woman who was about to become his fiancée. This was key, as it showed me that he was living the outcome that I desired for myself.

2) Since he didn’t have the “natural advantages” that my first coach had…..he had to go through a lot of failure and learning experiences for him to get to the place where he had to be in order to be a successful coach. He had been through the shit…..and lived to tell the tale.

3) Having been through all that, he worked painstakingly to find a system that worked for him…using his strengths…his own advantages, and most importantly, his own personality and character.

He may not have been the most glamorous, but his advice and teachings were what put my own dating life over the edge, to the point where for several months….I was dating 2-3 women per WEEK.

My own growth and development has been very similar to coach #2, and this is why I feel I am more effective.

Because I’ve been through all the challenges myself…I’ve seen all the ups and downs I’ve been both euphoric and depressed…. my challenges have fueled my growth…

and I’ve come out the other side, feeling pretty damn good, with an amazing partner.

What’s the lesson here?

The bling-bling and the fancy bells and whistles might look good at first, but it ultimately won’t mean much if it isn’t going to give you the result you want that’s aligned with who you are.

Desire

Ever have one of those days where you have your mind set on something, but then at the last minute, you say “Meh….fuck it!”?

I remember one of these days not too long ago.

It was 45 degrees, rainy, and windy as hell.

Although I was wearing my parka, the wind kept blowing the hood off, leaving my head and face soaked.

A part of me really just wanted to go back inside, get some hot tea, and read a book. But I kept going……why?

Because the commitment I made to getting out and getting exercise was stronger than the discomfort I felt from the shit weather.

As I did this, I thought about how this applies to dating.

A lot of us say we want to improve our dating lives, get better at meeting people, go on more or better dates.

We claim to be willing to do more than what we’ve been doing to get the results we want.

But when push comes to shove….we don’t do it.

Because the uncertainty of stepping outside our comfort zones is stronger than our desire to getting the results we want.

So we go out to bars, meet ups, speed dating events, or maybe we try online dating. We dip our feet in the water, but never quite go all in.

And we end up back home, spending another night alone, wondering what the hell happened.

The bottom line is that until your desire to get results eclipses the desire for comfort and security…you will never truly progress.

 

Is She Flirting With Me?

 

One thing that many guys have trouble deciphering (whether in person or over text), is figuring out of someone is genuinely flirting with them or not.

So, how can we tell? A few things:

-How much is she texting you? Is it fairly equal, or massively one sided?

-Does she ever text you first? Or are you constantly the one taking the lead?

– When in person, is she being expressive, smiling, and detailed with her responses? Is she adding anything to the conversation besides simple, straightforward answers?

-Does she get playful and tease you?

-Does she use a lot of emojis in texts?

Women will not do these things with guys they don’t like or don’t see potential in. If you’re getting these, there’s a good chance things are progressing nicely.

Keep it up!

Is Your Idea of a Successful Relationship Realistic?

Is a successful relationship one that is “smooth sailing,” or one that has challenges and bumps in the road?

I saw a FB post from a guy saying that he wants to give up on relationships because they’re “too much hassle.”

In his mind, he and his girl should never fight, never argue, and always be positive. And if he can’t have this….he doesn’t want the relationship.

On one hand, I see his point. We have so much stress in our lives from our jobs, bills, commuting, etc., the last thing we need is even more strain in our romantic lives.

Relationships SHOULD be where we go to find comfort and peace from the everyday stresses of life.

On the other hand, if we don’t face challenges and difficulties, how do we grow and become better partners?

I have had to grow through challenges quite a bit in my relationship.

I am a very scheduled, regimented person in my daily life. If my plans get upset….I get upset. “Spontaneity” is not a positive word in my personal dictionary.

My partner, however, is a free flowing, spur of the moment type girl. How in the hell do we coexist?

By stepping out of our own bubble, stretching ourselves, and adapting.

Because our desire to make shit work is stronger than our desire to stay in our own personal comfort zones.

It took me a while to get used to it, but now, when plans change, I don’t stress. My challenges have helped me grow. The same applies to her, on days when we tell ourselves we’re making plans and sticking to them.

I would love to hear your thoughts or experiences with this question down below.

What Does Playing an Old 80’s Video Game Have to Do With Dating Coaching?

One of my favorite video games growing up (read: One that stole a ton of hours from my childhood) was Metroid. A few days ago, I had the pleasure of playing it again after many years.

The main character, Samus, is a bounty hunter assigned to eliminate the army of Space Pirates who are attacking a planet. Your classic run-and-gun game.

Along the way, she earns quite a few power ups, including high jump boots, an ice beam, and even an item which transforms her into a ball! (as seen in the screenshot below.)

As I was playing along gaining these power ups, my coach mind kicked in and I started to notice something:

When Samus gets her power ups, she becomes stronger….a more capable character. But do these power ups change who she is, fundamentally? Of course not! Samus is still the same Space Pirate hunting badass…. only amplified.

One of the main fears people have before signing up for dating coaching is that their coach will try to transform their personality and character into something they aren’t, or worse, don’t want to be.

But that’s not what good coaching is about.

Good coaching starts with the foundation that who you are at the core is awesome, and the growth comes form adding skills and abilities that will only enhance the type of person you already are… like Samus adding on her power ups.

This is done in order to attract the RIGHT type of person for you.

Good coaching doesn’t try to change a Samus into a Mario.

It simply upgrades a Samus into their most powerful version.

When you can commit to stepping into the potential discomfort of powering yourself-up, then it won’t be long until much better results follow.

Myth: You Can Attract ANYBODY

We see this all the time.

 

 

Dating experts on YouTube, Facebook, etc., making big promises, that by using their secret-sauce pickup line, or by some magical body language trick, that literally anybody; from the cute-yet-nerdy librarian, to the Victoria’s Secret model…. from the software designer with the dad bod, to the jacked, veiny professional athlete, will immediately fall into your lap begging to be with you.

The problem is that it’s all bullshit.

There are simply too many variables to an individual person, to a community, and to the population at large that need to be considered. Different people are going to react to different characteristics differently. In many ways, there’s a bit of an element of randomness to it.

You can minimize that randomness by putting forward the best, most attractive version of yourself (according to your specifications), but even then, that will only lessen the randomness, not eliminate it outright.

Not to mention that there are too may variables within YOU that need to be considered.

Also, people aren’t stupid. Many of them have seen this fake, try-hard stuff countless times, and can see it coming a mile away.

The unsexy truth is that if you want to improve your dating life….it’s going to take work, patience, diligence, and yes, even some embarrassing setbacks. That’s life.

There’s no big secret. No instant tricks.

It’s going to require stepping out of yourself and taking a larger and longer term view of things.

It will require introspection accompanied by a healthy dose of self-reflection, not all of it positive.

Even when you are at your best….you will be adored by some,  outright disliked by others, and viewed neutrally by others still….

Just as it is with everyone else (even the now semi-mythical “Brad Pitt” or “Pam Anderson.”)

But, you’ll have a much better idea of who those adoring ones are…and how to attract them.

If you are ready to put in the work, and understand that relationships are rarely governed by strict black and white “rules,” but instead are a random and sometimes illogical shade of grey, then you’re well on your way already.

Are you Looking for Love… Or Validation?

On my Facebook group “No Games Necessary” a while back, I asked a question about what was the #1 characteristic guys were looking for in a woman.

A good number of them said “She’s gotta be hot” or some variation of that.

Of course it’s understandable to say this, we all want to be attracted to our partner..but could this be hurting us unknowingly?

When we become fixated solely on looks, it can get to a point where we view these women as a kind of prize or trophy.

This can leave guys up shit’s creek, and not just due to the obvious fact that we are placing an enormously high value on a complete stranger we know nothing about.
It can also trap your mindset in a sort of catch-22.

On the one hand, we want to find someone high value, or “out of our league” to give validation to ourselves.

“Look at me! I’ve got this fucking hot dimepiece absolutely hanging off me, I must be the fucking MAN!”

On the other hand, precisely because we place such a high value on “stunners,” we can become so intimidated, that we will never risk being rejected by them, for fear of what that will do to us or our ego.

This can then lead us to subconsciously push away ideal women, because we are more concerned about protecting our ego than finding a person who actually fits us.

When relationships are built off of validation, they don’t last. Because the people who build them are usually not concerning themselves with the things that make relationships last.

This is NOT to say we shouldn’t value the physical attractiveness of our partner…of course we should.

But looks without a character or values match more often than not ends up costing us.

Top 10 Dating “Truths” That Need to Die in 2020

-Attractiveness is 100% inherited and genetic, and there’s nothing you can do to change it.

-You must wait three days (or two, or one) before texting

– If you like someone, act disinterested

– If there’s conflict, your relationship is doomed

– Men are always logical….women are always emotional

-You can’t get anywhere with online dating unless you’re tall/rich/have a sixpack

– Romantic feelings only last 3-6 months.

– Asking a woman for her opinion or preferences is “needy” and “feminine”

– “All Men/Women Are Like That”

– “Real Men” can’t be vulnerable

What others can you think of?

How the Myth of Believing in”The One” Can Hurt Us

Growing up, we’ve been fed an endless amount of stories about how, if we wait long enough, we will eventually run in to that ONE perfect person who is a 100% match for us.

It sounds very sweet and romantic…..but in actuality, using this idea to guide your way in your romantic life can be dangerous if we’re not careful.

Let’s break this idea down:

There are nearly 8 billion people on the planet, half of whom are of the opposite sex. The idea that…out of all these people, there’s only ONE who will be an ideal match for you is a bit far-fetched.

More likely, there are MANY ideal people out there for you. You just need to know where to find them!

So why is this idea of the “The One” dangerous?

1) IT STOPS YOU FROM TAKING ACTION…..

By believing that there is only ONE person who is right for you, you might think that you are looking for a needle in a haystack, and you may give up looking…..not knowing that there are many compatible people out there, some of whom may even be right down the road.

Conversely, you may think that “fate” or “destiny” will simply drop your soulmate in your lap, and you may avoid taking action as a result because doing so will “interfere” with fate.

2) IT CREATES A SCARCITY MENTALITY….

When you believe that there is only ONE perfect person for you, you are more likely to act out of a place of scarcity. You will unnecessarily put more stock into a particular date or outcome than you should…and that can lead to unfavorable consequences.

3) IT MAKES YOU NEEDY…

When you meet someone you like, you are more likely to overextend yourself and try harder to please them than you should, because you don’t want to “lose” them. The dynamic of the relationship will end up being much more tense, stressful, and awkward than it needs to be.

Remember…..dating should be fun.

Conversely, when you feel that there are many potential matches out there, you are more relaxed, confident and self assured, which comes across as way more attractive.

If you are somebody who believes in only ONE perfect person, how is that belief serving you right now? Do you think you would benefit more from believing that there are many, instead of one (or none)?

Because if we do the math, the numbers appear to indicate so.

What Does Carrying a Suitcase Around Have to do with Finding Our Ideal Partner??

Over the holiday, I found my mind wandering back to an analogy my old coach shared with me when I was feeling down about my dating prospects.

Imagine that each one of the roughly 4 billion women in the world are carrying a briefcase with them.

Every time you interact or talk with one of them, you get chance to look inside their own personal briefcase.

Most times, when you look, there won’t be anything there….it sucks, but such is life.

Sometimes, there will be a little bit of money inside the briefcase….$1000, maybe $10,000, surely enough to get you excited and to take the money, but not enough for you to make a living.

But occasionally, and there may be less than 100 total, you’ll find a woman who, when you talk to her and open her briefcase, she’ll have a billion dollars inside.

More than enough to make a great living from for the rest of our lives without having to work another day.

Now the money is just a metaphor….in fact, these “billion dollar” women have everything we are looking for in terms of what we want in an ideal partner.

Someone we think is sexy as hell, someone who gets us, someone who supports us, builds us up… someone who we share the exact same wavelength with.

The problem with a lot of guys (including me at that stage) was that I was so frustrated after meeting 30-40 “empty briefcases” in a row, I thought I was never going to get anywhere.

Here’s the thing, though….

If I was going to give up after #40, how shitty would I have felt if #41 had one of the billion dollar cases? I couldn’t accept that.

I had to ask myself a question……How important was this to me?

How important was it to find one of those women, as rare as they may be?

For me….it was extremely important. So I decided to go through as many false starts and dead ends as I needed to. And it was well worth the journey to end up with the person I’m with now.

Fortunately, I’ve learned a few things on my journey, so you don’t have to go through as many dead ends as I did.

So ask yourself…how important is finding someone ideal for you? What would it mean to have this person in your life vs. not having them?

If the answer is anything close to “Pretty Fucking Important, Michael,” then I encourage you to contact me so that I can show you how to find your billion dollar women much faster.