Here’s my latest audio blog post on Limiting Beliefs. Hope you guys enjoy it!
Here’s my latest audio blog post on Limiting Beliefs. Hope you guys enjoy it!
Recently, I got a very interesting question over at my Facebook Group “No Game Necessary” (link provided below if you’re interested in joining up), where one of the members asked about where he could go to meet more of the women he is really interested in. He mentioned (correctly) that the vast majority of men’s dating advice online is designed to help you successfully “pick up” and land a date with what is commonly known as “the popular hot girl” or “HB10” (if you’re still shackled by that pickup terminology). Now, if that is truly the kind of girl you’re looking for…. then this advice still may not even work, because every “popular hot girl” is a unique individual herself, and not all of them will automatically be swooned by your lines and “cheat codes” as though you’re playing a video game that reliably responds to you input the same way each time. Human beings simply don’t work like that, and it’s time we as a people move away from thinking this way.
Anyway, mini-rant over! What about girls (and guys too) who do not conform to the traditional societal definition of desirable, but are nonetheless, still incredibly sexy in their own way? What if you’re a guy looking for more of a bookish, introverted, nerdy girl? What if you’re a woman looking for a guy who’s not a machismo-fueled, Jersey Shore dude-bro? How do we meet them?
In this post, I will explain my top places to go to meet people, which don’t involve bars, clubs and other places designed to be a “mating meat market,” so that you’ll have a better chance of finding people who are right for YOU.
Keep in mind, this advice applies to both men and women, so ladies, feel free to explore these options yourselves as well!
1) Bookstores: Ever walk into a bookstore and notice that cute guy/girl sitting quietly, reading the latest bestseller (or even the latest Star Wars book?) I have, and many of my dates that I had offline started from bookstores. The reason? As I said before, Im a big geek! Bookstores are a great way to meet more intellectually curious people, and talking about the latest in literature is a great jumping off point for a conversation.. which could eventually set the stage for a meeting down the road. Be careful though. A lot of people go to bookstores and libraries to…you know…. actually READ. So if it looks like the person you’re hoping to talk to is not having it, respect that, and move on.
2) Comic-Cons/Sci Fi/Geek Conventions: Another one for my nerdy friends, these conventions are a great way to introduce yourself, network with people, and bond together over shared interests. Again, this is a great place to lay the foundation for a future friendship and relationship, as you can establish that normally difficult initial rapport by having a built in topic of conversation handy from the get-go. However, you need to remember that since most people are there for the convention, not necessarily to hook up, so it might not be the best idea to lay it on real thick in your first initial meeting. Instead, talk to them, ask for contact info, and continue the conversation as any normal friends would afterwards.
3) Martial Arts classes: OK, the specifics of the martial arts comes from my own bias, as I am a huge aficionado of bashing people’s brains in for shits and giggles (just kidding…although I DO enjoy the spirit of healthy one-on -one physical competition every now and again). Martial Arts would work for me… but if breaking bricks and choking people to the point of unconsciousness isn’t your thing, you could easily substitute it for intramural sports teams, pickup Basketball leagues, mountain biking, or anything else that involves you getting up off your ass, moving your body around, and sweating a bit. If you are an athletically inclined person looking to meet a person who shares your passions, groups centered around sports and games could just be the next place where you meet Mr./Ms. Right.
4) Dance Classes: This is a great spot for guys in particular, as dance classes are largely made up of women. Some classes in NYC, for example, are almost 2 to 1 girls to guys, so you definitely have the numbers in your favor. If you’re someone who likes to move their body, but aren’t really into the competitive side of physicality, dance classes provide the optimum way to explore your interests, and meet new people at the same time.
5) Art clubs/classes: If you enjoy spending time in art museums, looking at masterpeices, or if you want to create on yourself, art clubs and classes are a great way to fulfill your hobby while getting to know the next great artist of the opposite gender!
These are just some of the many examples of places you could go to to meet people outside of the bars, clubs, and online sites. As you can probably see from the above examples, the formula is pretty basic: You figure out what your interests are, find a group or club related to that interest, join it, and go to the events, network, and meet like minded people. In addition, to meeting your potential future husband or wife, it’s also a great way to build a strong social circle in general.
How Did I get Here?
In addition to blogging, part of what I do to keep myself involved in the Men’s Development and Dating communities is to participate regularly in Social Media based groups which center around topics and issues that are important to those niches. Recently, in one of the groups I’m involved with, the group administrator started a discussion by posting several screenshots of a Tinder conversation he is having with a woman. He captioned the screenshots with the words, “How to Pass Congruency Tests Like a Boss.” He then shows how the woman’s first words to him were deliberately challenging and slightly confrontational in nature, where she points out to him how what he says in his Tinder profile doesn’t match up to the persona he presents in his Instagram feed. She then proceeds to insinuate that he lacks depth, and not nearly as interesting as he leads on. “Quite the first impression she’s making,” were my first thoughts as I was reading through this exchange. He then goes on to show how he “passed the test” by saying a few suave lines, to which the woman replies, “You handled that with a lot of grace, ______.”
From the last line she wrote, it’s quite clear that this woman consciously knew what she was doing by saying what she said. It’s the classic case of what old school “Pick Up Artists” refer to as the “shit test.” A woman will “test” a man’s internal confidence and sense of self by saying or doing something that might throw him off his game. If he stays the course and doesn’t falter in his convictions in the face of her behavior, he’s “proven” that he’s a confident man and is “worth” being on a date with. If he gets flustered, stumbles over his words, or scrambles to find an explanation, then he has “failed,” and the chances of another meeting fall faster than the stock market in October, 1929. This is the narrative that PUAs have given us for the past 20 years. It’s a fact of nature, they say. You can’t escape it. Furthermore, most women don’t even realize they are doing it, as it is a subconscious action, or so the story goes.
What I found to be telling about this whole discussion was the responses from the other men in the group. Most of them were quick to point out how the woman in question’s behavior in the exchange was a red flag, and that at the very least, they should be wary of how the conversation and any subsequent dates might go with this woman. I also chimed in and expressed a similar sentiment. My personal belief is that the best and most authentic relationships begin with sincere communication right from the start. Communication that is free from manipulative behaviors that naturally would cause one or the other party to put their emotional guard up higher than it needs to be. The response I got was along the lines of “Well, that’s just the way it is. High value women test like this. It’s biological, innate. If you don’t play their game, then you are effectively disqualifying yourself from women of value.”
On the surface, this appears to make sense. However, there’s just one little problem… it is completely inaccurate, from both a theoretical, intellectual perspective, as well as a practical, real world one. First, we can’t ignore the glaring truth that women are not some hive-mind collective who all think and operate according to the same programming, but are instead 3.8 billion individuals each with their own unique agency, wants, needs, and communication styles. We also can’t ignore the idea that, if this phenomenon was strictly biological and subconscious, then ALL women would be doing this, not just the “high value” ones. Clearly, this is not the case upon observation.
The fact is, most dates don’t involve this degree of manipulative communication at all. I personally have been on over 200 dates, and outside of one or two, none of them have involved any “tests” or “hoops” to jump through. Most women, just like most men, are human beings looking to connect and find someone who they click with. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. No matter what the outcome is, most times you will find that the other person is sincerely wanting to find out if you are a match, and they will use honest, straightforward communication methods and tactics to find out if this is so.
What to Do if We DO Encounter These Tests?
This is not to say, however, that “shit tests” are not a thing. They certainly are. How you will end up handling them (or not) depends on your overall personality type, and how much emotional manipulation YOU are willing to accept from someone else. Mark Manson, author of Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty, has a very detailed blog post (linked below) on how men will generally react to manipulative behavior, according to how manipulative the woman’s behavior is, as well as how vulnerable the man is willing to be in a relationship or on a date. The key to handling these tests will differ depending on your personality. If you’re the type of man who isn’t bothered by them, (like my group administrator), then all you need to do is to think of something clever to say, keep your cool, push forward, and hope that the “testing” behavior doesn’t continue (which it most likely will.) However, another message needs to be sent to those men who think differently. The message I want to give you is: There is nothing wrong with you, or your feelings! You are not “beta” or a “loser” because you choose not to deal with manipulation and shit tests! Contrary to what many of the old school PUAs may tell you, you do not just have to “put up with” this type of behavior from your potential dates. However, you DO have to recognize, fairly early on, that if someone is going to treat you this way, you need to be able to bail out and keep looking. A lot of men will keep moving forward and try to “make things work” because they feel that is what they are supposed to do. To end the date or not want to see them again because of that behavior is somehow “weak,” or “overly sensitive.” However, I argue that what you are doing is anything but. By being vulnerable and not accepting her behavior, you are actually choosing to stick to your own values and reality, rather than allowing yourself to get caught up in someone else’s. You know both what you want and what you don’t want in terms of communication, and you are absolutely not willing to sacrifice those just to pretend to get along with some random stranger who you just met. My rule on dates is, “if something’s happening that makes me feel uneasy, I won’t ignore it. If it’s something that’s a deal breaker, then it’s time to exit and move on.” I may not have been on as many dates as I would have liked, but the quality of those dates has drastically improved the I began implementing these boundaries. One of my personal deal breakers is to always have open, honest sincere communication, free of games. I am almost exceedingly particular on this issue. I haven’t had any real bad first dates in a while.
You need to understand your wants, needs and deal breakers, not just in terms of physical attraction, but also in terms of personality and communication style. Once you have defined those, you need to set strong boundaries, and enforce them. You are only going to take as much shit as you are willing to tolerate. If you don’t tolerate these tests, they will either not happen, or they will be the last interaction you have with that particular person.
Linked Post: https://markmanson.net/manipulative-relationships
I’ve been blogging and coaching for a little while now, but I feel that now is a great time to expand my horizons and start coaching groups of guys offline, in the “real world.” On Saturday, November 10th, I will be partnering with Tavia Sharp, a Men’s Style and Relationship Coach, and we will be running an afternoon-long workshop in NYC beginning at 12 noon, on how to maximize our image and present ourselves to women by putting our best foot forward. At this workshop you will learn how to overcome shyness and insecurity on dates and when speaking to women, and also how to dress your best so that you can ensure you make that killer first impression. The link is attached below. I hope to see you guys there.
Ever since the release of Neil Strauss’s bestseller The Game in 2005, millions of single men have incorporated the teachings and techniques of various Pick Up Artists (PUA) into their communications with women. At first, all of these techniques and products seemed like a revolutionary idea. Men, being the logical creatures that they are, love it when complicated things such as talking with women get broken down into a simple, easy to follow formula. Formulae are great. You plug in a particular set of values, and if you work those values in the correct way, you get a nice, sensible and predictable solution 100% of the time. With what seemed like a new book, online course, or podcast being released every month, men had no shortage of potential formulae to use. It seemed like all the average, frustrated men finally found their secret weapon in the quest to become successful with women. Of course, men had been “picking up” women long before 2005, but this was a result that was reserved for only the most suave, charismatic, confident and handsome men. The release of these products marked the first time that the average to below average man could take advantage of what the most desirable men knew and use it to his benefit.
For several years afterwards, things seemed to work just like the formula said they would. Many men were reporting a great deal of success using these techniques, and sales of the PUA products skyrocketed. Pretty soon, famous PUA’s were being invited to speak on late night talk shows, some of them were getting their own shows on VH1, and many men were signing up to attend weekend seminars, or “bootcamps” in order to learn directly under the gurus they read about and saw on TV.
However, soon after the popularity of these programs began to enter into the mainstream consciousness, cracks began to appear. Even from the beginning, many women could sense that the men who were approaching them using PUA tactics were being inauthentic at best, and downright creepy at worst. Even in the beginning, when men would approach women “cold” (without knowing them previously) in a grocery store, coffee shop, or mall, saying such things like, “You know, I know this is random, but, I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re beautiful, my name’s ______, what’s yours?” women would tend to ask themselves, “Why is this random person talking to me? What does he want? He must just want to get me in bed. What a creep.” It turns out that, many of the “cold approach strategies” that PUAs taught don’t really work out that well in practice, even for the gurus themselves, because they rest on a lot of false assumptions about women. The key assumption being that “all women” think mostly alike. They all value the same things, they all appreciate the same qualities in a man, they all like men who walk, talk, think and act a certain way. It’s almost as if these experts assume that women are somehow a Borg-like hive mind, all sharing the same thoughts, feelings, and underlying consciousness. This of course, couldn’t be further from the truth.
In addition, another assumption that these practices rest on is that men, by virtue of being the “pursuer,” have a unique privilege, almost like a birthright, in the dating game as being allowed to, at any time, and without warning or permission, interrupt a woman’s day and proceed to tell her any and everything that he feels about her, whether that be her looks, her dress sense, or what he perceives about her personality. The man feels entitled to this, and hardly ever does he stop to think and consider what the woman’s feelings are about the sudden interruption of her day, and the invasion of her personal space. Of course, sometimes, the woman is happy to stop and exchange a few words, and possibly phone numbers, with the handsome stranger who stopped her on the street. However, in many, if not a majority, of cases, women are not exactly thrilled to have their plans interfered with by these men. Sometimes a woman will be polite and friendly so as not to anger or upset this strange man whom she knows nothing about. Other times bolder, more unscrupulous women will directly tell her pursuer to F_ck off, which is designed to shock the system of the man, stunning him in his tracks so that the woman can escape without further incident.
As I talk to more and more women, and take on more and more female clients, I am realizing just how many normal, everyday women absolutely hate being approached randomly by guys. This runs counter to the narrative that many PUA experts have painted over the course of the last 15 years. However, one only needs to take a look at these experts “in the field” to see their arguments fall apart. It has been reported by many students at the “bootcamps” that many of their heroes have fallen flat on their faces, often a majority of the time, with women they have approached in front of the students. Of course, when you go on YouTube and watch an “infield” video of these self-professed casanovas, you will only see the two or three successful “approaches” that they have done in a particular day. What they don’t show you, however, are the dozens of other approaches they did, where the woman either ignored them outright, told them off, or politely brushed them off in short order. When the success rate of “cold approaching” is this abysmally low, even for an “expert,” you can start to see through the fog of exaggerations and half-truths that the industry has told you for years. On top of this, women have been actively fighting these situations, with movements such as #MeToo and the HollaBack street harassment video, women are talking to us, and what they are telling us is that what we’ve been doing as men is not OK. Knowing this, how exactly can and should we approach women in this day and age? How can we let out interest in them be known without making them uncomfortable? How can we remain ethical? What is our responsibility towards women in the opening phases of dating and courtship?
“But, but, if approaching women is now bad, how can I even meet women, then?” you might be saying, throwing up your hands. “It’s not like women approach guys, we’re expected to do that. If we’re expected to initiate things, yet women complain when we do initiate, what can we do?” While I can understand the frustration, if you take the time to look past the surface and go deeper, you can see that the traditional way of approaching women cold is not the only way to initiate interaction. Online dating, while certainly not the ideal solution for a number of men, is now one of the most recognized ways of meeting one’s partner. If we’re looking to meet women in 2018, the best way to do it is to learn how to fill out a good online profile, take high quality pictures that show who you are, and learning how to open and sustain an interaction through text. If you can master these areas, you will no doubt be successful at dating in the current climate. Even when accounting for dirty pictures sent by men and crass, distasteful text messages, women are still much more comfortable meeting men online these days, where the threat of physical conflict is diminished. Of course, all online dating sites are not created equal. I will be giving my master list of best online dating sites (for both men and women), as well as my reasons why, in an upcoming post!
“But, Michael, you’ve said that online dating is so looks driven. I’m ugly! How can I hope to meet someone online with that going against me?” Of course, online dating is not going to work for everyone, especially when the competition level is so high. Some guys are not going to see the success that others will, that’s just the reality. So what can you do? I am of the belief that one of the biggest reasons why guys fail online is not necessarily due to their physical looks, but how their lives look online. If you are a boring guy who has nothing going for him, no social life, no friends, no hobbies or interests, of course that is going to show online. Your first order of business at that point is not to find a date, but to find a life! Find hobbies and interests where you can go out, socialize, and meet lots of people. Find your tribe! Through building your social circle and networking with more people, you will be introduced to more and more people, including compatible women. Meeting women through your social circle has three advantages:
-First, social circles tend to contain people who have similar interests and values, which is good for you, because that’s a big thing to look for in a successful relationship.
-Second, the approaches you do there will be “warm” rather than “cold,” so there will be a level of comfort and familiarity, even when you talk for the first time. It is much less likely to make a woman feel uncomfortable when you first speak to her.
-Finally, meeting someone in person helps to showcase all of your strengths outside of the physical. You can display a confidence, charisma, and charm that you might not be able to show online. This will help you if you feel that you aren’t as physically attractive as other guys, but have a killer personality.
So there you have it guys. There are ways to succeed in 2018, even in the current sociopolitical climate. Remember, have fun, but be respectful!
As someone who helps people find dates and meet the people they are meant to be with, my (rather biased) short answer to this question would be “Absolutely not! Date On, my friend!” However, as tempting as it is to throw this answer out, the reality is that some of us may actually be better off hitting the proverbial pause button and taking a time out. Whether it be for psychological reasons, reasons relating to work and business, or the fact that we just haven’t quite gotten over our exes yet, there are some real, legit reasons to scale back our dating pursuits, at least for the short term. Today we’re going to look at a few of those top reasons. Starting with:
Reason #1- You just got divorced/broke up/ended a long term relationship
This is a very common occurrence that has happened to the best of us at least once in the course of our lives. We thought we met the person of our dreams. We made plans; we thought about marriage, a house, kids, Golden Retrievers, the whole nine. We may have actually gotten married and had all that. Now that the routine of day to day family life has set in, we have slowly begun to realize that we are living a life of quiet desperation, and we’re looking for a way out. Or, conversely, we met someone who simply drove us fucking wild. We met, and there was instant chemistry. We had wild, passionate sex every night, we may have experimented with new and interesting positions, and now we’re thinking of taking it to the next level, beyond just sex. Whatever the situation, sometimes things don’t work out, and that can leave us feeling emotionally destroyed, like a sudden typhoon that sweeps in and destroys all that we have built in an instant.
When we finally face the fact that we’re alone again, our first instinct is to go out and find someone else. Find a new partner to fill the emotional void that our ex has left behind. On the surface of things, this seems logical. After all, the goal here is to feel better, and eliminate the pain of our breakup, so why not just go out and find someone to take that pain away? The problem though, is that at its core, this is a selfish act. You are allowing yourself to potentially rush in to a new relationship blindly, in order to find an emotional bandage to stop the proverbial bleeding. However, we need to keep in mind that relationships are about the feelings and well being of multiple, real human beings. When we rush into things and try to skip all the necessary steps of getting to know the other person, finding out about their idiosyncrasies, their likes and dislikes, and their core values, we are setting ourselves up for further disappointment when this new partnership ultimately ends up not working out also.
Like it or not, when we exit from a particularly long and emotionally fulfilling relationship, we can’t expect to erase the pain immediately by selecting a new partner without allowing ourselves to let things develop organically. The only way to maximize our chances for a future successful relationship is to allow ourselves to sit with the pain of our ex, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes us, and work through the grief, letting it pass through us, just like any other physical illness. Once it’s gone, and you can think clearly and rationally again, you will be able to approach dating with a much clearer head, and you won’t have the tendency to select the first warm body that shows you interest.
Reason #2: You continuously select the wrong people, and you don’t know why
Attraction is not a choice. At a base level, we can’t help who we’re attracted to. When we see a body and a face that we like, most of us don’t analyze why, or think about the mechanism behind it, we just allow ourselves to be turned on and go with it. Humans are animals, so naturally it follows that we maintain a great deal of our animal desires and drives, especially when it comes to mating. However, humans also have another level of psychological and mental complexity beyond the instinctual baseline, and this is where things end up getting complicated. Oftentimes, we will base our decisions on who we date primarily at a physical level. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, in fact I argue that these desires MUST be satisfied in order for a relationship to be truly complete and whole. However, when we set out on a quest to find the perfect set of traits in a potential partner we often forget to look for common values. When we prioritize one area, in most cases the physical, so much that we neglect to consider the other person’s values, this is when things get out of balance. It’s why we hear so many examples of men complaining about how, even though he’s attracted to his girlfriend physically, he’s inherently unsatisfied because of the way she treats him. It’s why we hear so many cases of women saying how they were instantly swept off their feet by the “alpha” bad boy, yet after an amazing night of wild sex, he still has yet to call her back. If you don’t screen potential partners for common values, then you will always run the risk of ending up in the same types of dead-end relationships that you had in the past.
Reason #3: You (Still) Don’t Have Your Shit Together
Many of us feel that once we have found our partners, then life itself will instantly become exciting and exhilarating. It doesn’t matter how much we are struggling in other areas, or how far we are from living our purpose and doing what we love, the moment our prince or princess comes along, all is right with the world. Sadly, though, this is hardly the case. Many of us get so caught up with dating, meeting potential partners, and getting approval from the opposite sex, that it becomes our purpose, at the expense of most everything else. This is a trap we need to avoid at all costs. When we choose to prioritize dating and sex over everything else, we become clingy, needy and un-confident, constantly over-analyzing, comparing, wondering, and doing all sorts of not-so-sexy behaviors. Not only does this distract us from our true purpose and calling in life, but it makes us appear as a much weaker and less confident version of ourselves.
What this all comes down to is that we are focusing on getting validation from outside ourselves vs. getting it from within. When we are “chasing girls” or “reeling in guys” we are almost always approaching it from the position of searching for validation in some way. We are placing ourselves in the position of “the pursuer,” and this makes it much harder to showcase our strong, confident selves. When we learn to receive validation from within ourselves, we are no longer concerned with pursuing, because we are finding ways to feel good about ourselves regardless of outside approval. How can we learn to validate ourselves internally? The easiest and best way to do this is to “do you.” Be unapologetically yourself, and go after what you want in life. Spend some time with yourself, and figure out exactly what it is you want out of life. Think about your career, your finances, your hobbies, your interests, your hopes, your dreams. Think about all of the impact that you can make in this world without the external approval of the opposite sex. Figure out how to make that impact and then go do it. When you start to make headway with your pursuits and your passions, you will naturally start to feel better about yourself, and the opinions of others won’t matter as much, because you now have experiences that are showing the world that you’ve got a lot of value and worth. Nobody will be able to take that from you.
When you think about it, the idea of self-validation can be applied to all three examples above. When you are able to fit your own cup, you become less needy, less desperate and infinitely sexier. Most importantly, you are not relying on someone else in order to feel worthy and good about yourself. Ironically, once you make this shift, this is when you’re going to start seeing members the opposite sex taking longer and more frequent glances in your direction.
It’s one of the biggest issues we face when deciding to learn how to attract more dates and partners into our lives. Should I just “be myself,” faults and all, or should I attempt to conform to some sort of perfect societal ideal, and in the process, perhaps give up a bit of my core personality and construct a patently false image for the benefit of others?
In reality, I myself have struggled with this issue for a good portion of my adult life. I have tried both ways. When I was told by my friends, parents, teachers and coaches to just “be myself,” nothing seemed to work. My peculiar sense of humor, blunt communication style, idiosyncrasies and outside-the-mainstream interests did not exactly leave a lot of women with that special tingling feeling. So then I tried the opposite approach. The classic “Fake It till You Make It” philosophy. I studied books, PUA materials, and I even went and received coaching on how to “Be The Man That All Women Want.” While adopting this approach certainly provided a situational confidence boost and some quick results in the shortest of terms, after three years of faking it, I had nowhere near “made it.” I still wasn’t attracting the kind of partner I was hoping for, and furthermore, I discovered that people weren’t all that gullible. It turns out, people are actually pretty good at spotting someone who is putting on an act. The women I was dating could sense the incongruence between what I was trying to show the world, and what I actually was. The results were not great, to put it bluntly.
Have you ever found yourself in a similar predicament? You may be wondering to yourself, “If being myself doesn’t work, and being someone else doesn’t work, then what the hell WILL work?” I feel your pain and understand your struggle. The short answer to your question is that you have to be willing to do a little bit of both. In order to do this however, you have to know yourself at a fundamental level. This is a major issue for a lot of us. We DON’T really know who we are, we haven’t spent enough time with ourselves, in a state of introspection, to discover the types of people we are and what we really want out of life. Because of this, the advice of “being yourself” becomes nonsensical on its face, because how can you be yourself when you don’t even know who you are? In today’s post, I’m going to go over the values of remaining true and steadfast to your principles, as well as the value of making adjustments and lifestyle changes so that we can maximize our chances of success. Finally, I’m going to go over some methods we can use to help us figure out who we really are at our core, and then bring that core of ourselves out for the world to see.
Authenticity is Essential
I know you’ve seen these guys before: The dudes who are constantly “peacocking” themselves trying to “Demonstrate High Value” and put forward the illusion that they are greater and more important than they are. They lie about their income, their position in their companies. They dress like Don Draper when their personality is more like Mick Jagger, and tell tall tales about how much they bench press. Most of the time, the way these guys come across when they build themselves up is so obviously inauthentic, most people with even a rudimentary level of social awareness can see through it. If you think about it, one can hardly blame these guys. After all, if you look at most PUA related advice columns and books, most of them champion the idea of being a human chameleon, constantly changing yourself, your personality, and your style to fit the whims of what the opposite sex is looking for. The problem with this blueprint is that it encourages people to portray themselves as someone who is definitely not them. It’s perfectly fine to fake certain mannerisms and behaviors in the short term, but the problem is that deep down, underneath the facade, the true core of who you are is still there. If you give it enough time, the real you WILL show itself, and it WILL exist in opposition to the person you were trying to manufacture, and that will create confusion, lost attraction, and maybe even in extreme cases, anger amongst the people you’re trying to date. Not to mention that trying to maintain a phony persona is exhausting. You may be able to get short term sex from taking this approach, but you can forget about getting anywhere near a long term relationship, unless your potential partner is socially clueless. If you’re going for a long term relationship, and doubly so if you’re looking for marriage, you MUST present your authentic self to stand a chance. If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything. Figure out who “yourself” really is, identify and nurture the strengths that come along with that, and proudly put that on display. Doing this will allow the right people to come into your life naturally and organically, no games and false personas needed.
But, isn’t changing a good thing?
Looking back at the last section, you might think that I feel the case is closed. “Just Be Yourself” wins it. No need to make any adjustments, or better yourself. Just be authentically you at all times, and you’re set.
Just because you are now able to discover your true self, doesn’t necessarily mean that that self is the most attractive version it could be. I like to think that there is always something that we can be doing to improve our presentation and personality, even if it’s something minor. Sometimes, for some of us, being more attractive means cleaning up our physical appearance. For example, if we aren’t doing all we can to maintain our hygiene, dressing in well fitted clothes, or finding a style that is congruent with our personality, then those are things we may want to make more of a commitment to. Some issues lie more with our personality and behavioral traits. It’s going to be really difficult to maintain relationships and a strong social circle if you are always operating from a space of negativity. Constantly complaining about how life sucks and is unfair, or how “the system” is constantly screwing you over tends to get really old, really fast. Acting like a dick because you think you’re being a “Billy Bad Ass” might attract a flock of insecure boot-lickers, but it’s not likely to win you many genuine friends, or awesome relationships with quality partners. In addition to these, you need to factor your lifestyle in to the equation as well. If you’re idea of a typical day off is 12 straight hours of Netflix bingeing while eating a whole bag of tortilla chips in one sitting, how can you honestly be surprised about not being able to meet anyone?
Yes, being yourself is important, there’s no denying that, but not to the extent that it’s going to limit, or possibly even eliminate, the chances of you finding kick ass dates and partners.
So , Where Does That Leave Us?
If we are actively looking for dates, and we’re struggling with the notion of how much we should or shouldn’t change in order to find the right partner, the best course of action is to really spend some time with yourself, analyze and plot out exactly who we are. Do an honest assessment of you, warts and all. Take out a sheet of paper and make a chart. On it, label one column “Physical” and another “Personality/Character.” Next, make several rows. One row should be “Positives” and the other “Negatives.” Try to think of the top ten traits for each section and write them in the spaces. Below the chart, make a list of five ways in which you could maximize the positive strengths that you have, for physical and personality. Next, take a long, hard look at the negatives in each column. Which ones are the ones you feel are truly holding you back in finding the right partner? Which ones are just ones that you like, but others may have an issue with? For the ones that YOU feel are holding you back, write down a list of 3-5 ways in which we could change or eliminate those negatives, and then formulate an action plan for you to get to work. By doing this, you will be able to pinpoint the serious issues, without having to compromise the best parts of you, and become someone who is wholly incompatible with who you are. You will strike a balance between the best of both worlds.
In my time as a Dating and Life Coach, I have met, worked with, and conversed with many daters, both male and female. Many have gone on to be successful in their dating life, meeting that special someone or going on many great dates with awesome people. Others have struggled, however. Lately I have been thinking more and more about what truly separates those who are successful in dating and those who aren’t. What, if anything, represents a common thread for all those who can and should be successful, but aren’t? Based on my observations and in-depth analysis of the people whom I’ve met and coached, the main issue holding these people back is their negative, limiting mindset. It’s easy to spot these people: They are always complaining, bitching, talking about how “all women suck” and that “all guys are dogs.” They harp on and on about the dating process as a whole, saying that it’s “pointless” and that nothing they can do will be able to fix their problems, because their problems always come down to “bad genetics,” so why try to fix something that cannot be fixed (most of their issues CAN be fixed, however, and have nothing to do with “genetics.”) Due to their negative attitudes, they approach and initiate less conversation, when they do speak, they hardly ever bring anything positive or interesting to the conversation, and as a result, they go on fewer dates, and have fewer long-term relationships. It’s almost as if it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your beliefs about dating, yourself, and fellow daters in general will have a profound effect on how you interact with the world. When put like this, it sounds pretty logical, but let’s take a more in depth look at why this is true.
“Whether You Think You Can, or Whether You Think You Can’t, You’re Right.” -Henry Ford
People with a negative attitude towards dating expect the worst to happen every time. Unfortunately for them, that is exactly what they get. But why? Pessimists are always looking for the problems, the shortcomings and the worst-case scenarios. There’s nothing inherently wrong with pointing out the downsides-after all, throughout history pessimists have been a huge help to humanity by helping us avert dangers that we may not have noticed if we had been a species of Pollyannas. However, when it comes to the subject of improving oneself, pessimism often backfires on us. It can be a saboteur, silently robbing us of the energy and desire to make the necessary changes in our lives. Pessimistic daters will reach out to fewer prospects online, they will hardly approach anyone at all in a social setting (even if they want to), and will generally put in the minimum amount of effort needed to secure a date. They do this because they have over-analyzed each and every negative situation in their heads and have replayed it countless times. Somehow, they “know” what will happen to them, even when it hasn’t happened yet. So, they don’t even try. Why put yourself through the torture and agony of being rejected by that pretty girl at the bar when it’s just so much easier to keep staring at her and admiring her from a distance? In addition, pessimists tend to take longer to recover from a rejection, so it will subsequently take them longer to “get back in the game” and try again. As a result of all this, they tend to become socially passive people overall. They don’t go out as much, they don’t speak to as many people in general, and when they do, they often make frequent social gaffes due to their lack of practice. Form there, they come down hard on themselves, and go back into their isolation and wait even longer to come back out and try again. You see how this is all connected, and a self-fulfilling prophecy? It all started from having a less favorable view of dating (and to a lesser extent, socializing in general) than other people.
But what about the Optimists? How do they do things differently? Optimists tend to have more social resiliency than pessimists. If they experience a rejection or a setback, they will do a better job of “shrugging it off” and putting themselves out there again. This does not mean that optimists are blind and do not experience bad dates and bad interactions with the opposite sex, they just don’t let those bad experiences consume them, and they keep trying in spite of them. Furthermore, since they tend to have a more favorable view of dating (and humanity in general), they will have no problem putting themselves out there more, and reaching out to more potential partners, thereby increasing their odds of finding a good match for them. Another key difference is that optimists tend to believe that most problems have clear and defined solutions, rather than viewing a problem as an irreversible and permanent issue, as pessimists tend to do. If optimists encounter a recurring problem in their dating lives, their first thought tends to be, “How can I fix this? How can I make this better so that it won’t affect me on future dates?” Pessimists tend to respond by taking the attitude of, “Well, this is just how things are for me. I’m unlucky, I can’t change it.” Optimists tend to be more solution focused, rather than feeling like there is nothing they can do.
Developing a More Positive Attitude
“But, why should I be more positive? I always get the short end of the stick, so what’s the use in believing that things will be better?” Back in my more pessimistic younger days, I could completely sympathize with people who talked like this. Hell, I did talk like this, and quite often! On the surface, the quote seems to make sense, if all you’ve gotten in life up to now is shit sandwich after shit sandwich, why should you all of a sudden expect a filet mignon? The issue here is with the idea that a positive attitude comes from having prior success, and not the other way around. In actuality, a positive attitude can be developed without prior success, and this can be huge in turning around your fortunes. This is not some hocus-pocus new age Secret stuff either, this is actual science here (links at the bottom, of course!).
If you want to change your results, you need to take on a more helpful attitude. How exactly can we do this, though? There are a number of things you can do to help you. Firstly, one needs to learn to be more grateful for the small, incremental victories we have achieved in our dating journey. If you’re 35 years old and goal is to find your special someone and get married and have kids, and up until the time you decided to make a concerted effort, you’ve only been on a handful of dates in your life, look at the positive side of things. Since making the attempt to get better at meeting people, you have been on more dates than you had been on in the previous 3 decades of your life, and through meeting these dates, you are finding out more and more about the type of person you want to be with, what is working well for you, and what isn’t. You are constantly gathering data which you can use to improve your prospects in the future. That is a reason to celebrate.
Something else you can do to develop a more positive dating outlook is to look at things from a different angle, what we call reframing. Let’s take a 30 year old guy who has recently lost all of his hair ( No, this is NOT a personal story)! Remember, pessimists tend to look at dating mishaps as something that is unchanging and permanent, something that cannot be improved upon or changed. In this case, our folically-challenged pessimist believes that ALL potential partners will be turned off by the fact that he’s bald, and there’s nothing that can be done. Optimists will understand that yes, there will be a specific subset of women who will be turned off by bald guys, but that is hardly the case for EVERY woman. In fact, ( and yes, I know this personally) ,plenty of women find bald guys to not just be attractive, but they in fact strongly prefer them to guys with full manes. So, our optimistic bald dater will no doubt suffer some rejection due to his having a chrome-dome, but he will not be fazed. Instead, he will get right back in there and search for those specific women who admire his look, because he knows they’re out there.
However, the underlying issue that needs to be there in the first place is the core belief that success is possible in the first place. Just because you may fail on some dates with some people, does not mean that you will fail with everybody. When you start looking at people as unique individuals instead of one big collective Borg-like mass of uniformity and conformity, the more your attitude towards humans will brighten, and the more opportunities you will find to make unique, powerful connections.
Go out there and viewing things differently. Don’t let your dour attitude on dating and the opposite sex continue to sabotage your love live. Learn to overcome your own mental obstacles and watch your potential to find meaningful connections grow.
Until next time.
This post will be a bit more academic and philosophical in nature. Previously , I had talked about the concept of the Alpha male, what it means in the popular culture, and whether or not it even exists (Spoiler: it does, but it might not be what you thought). In this post, I want to go into a bit more depth on the subject, and explain how the whole “Alpha male” thing got started in this first place, the misconceptions behind the term, and how we might be able to move past the misnomer and forge a newer, more accurate, more complete definition of the term.
So, Where Did This All Get Started?
The idea of the “Alpha Male” entered the collective consciousness in 1947, after a zoologist named Rudolph Schenkel completed and wrote about studies that he had performed with wolf packs in captivity. Schenkel studied many different captive wolf packs over the course of 15 years, and one common theme that he had noticed is that there were clear dominance hierarchies in the packs, with one particular male, the alpha, leading the pack and ruling over the females and the lesser males. These studies were closely followed up by other studies by various scientists, most famously L. David Mech’s studies in the 1970s. Mech would be the one to introduce the “Alpha Male” term as we know it today into the literature.
So popular and ground breaking were these studies and papers that many people invoked the usage of the term into human related hierarchies not too long after. However, there was a fundamental problem with this whole concept: It was bogus, at least, as it related to wolves. The previous studies only looked at wolves in captivity. They completely ignored wolves in the wild. When follow-up studies were conducted by scientists in subsequent years, they found that with wild wolves, the hierarchies were completely different. Wolf sociology was found to be much more egalitarian out in the wild, where more space and more resources meant less pressure on the individual packs. Sure, there were powerful male leaders, but they were not the aggressive, domineering tyrants that were throwing their weight around like the ones in captivity. So different were these follow-up studies that Mech actually had to recant his original conclusions in a 1999 follow-up piece to his original work. Despite this new revelation, the “alpha male” term as well as the original description of it was still being used more than ever when applied to human beings.
But….What About Apes?
A huge part of the reason why the original description of alpha males lingered on after the follow-up wolf studies was because of other subsequent studies done on great apes, particularly chimpanzees, one of our closest genetic relatives. Study after study done with these animals confirms that chimp society is quite unilateral, unequal, and zero-sum. Since chimpanzees are the closest genetic relative to humans, and since chimps engage in strict dominance hierarchies with the lone alpha male on top, ruling his kingdom, then humans surely must also have similar natural tendencies, since we observe so many similar behaviors in human beings today. So the prevailing wisdom goes, at least. The alpha male concept as applied to humans was not fully popularized until 1982, with the release of Chimpanzee Politics by Franz De Waal.
At first glance, without digging too deep into the issue, the observations of chimps and humans make a great deal of sense. The idea of the alpha male human, the big, broad, brash, swaggering rebel who takes what he wants and who’s all outta fucks to give, has been part of our society at least since recorded history, so being able to ascribe an actual label to these guys is quite convenient. Add to that, most humans are greatly swayed and influenced by displays of dominance, power and confidence. How many guys have watched a James Bond movie and have not felt, at least for a few minutes, that if we could be him, life would be totally badass? How many guys would love to be the guy who has a mountain of “fuck you” money, and use it to show off our latest assets and acquisitions, making the common plebeians insanely jealous? How many of us are guilty of listening and responding more positively to a message when it’s delivered by a tall, broad, deep voiced man vs. a short guy with a high-pitched voice and skinny limbs who delivers the exact same message? Does anyone remember the Saturday Night Live sketch with Tom Brady? “Be attractive…..don’t be unattractive.” Yeah. We as a species tend to look upon such people in awe and majesty. After all, they’re just so much better than us. If we take all of these examples from the real world and put them all together, the evidence looks pretty solid that universal human alpha males do in fact exist.
What if it’s still all BS?
The above section does not take into account the many studies and real world observations that run contrary to this, however. Despite the fact that we are most closely related genetically to chimpanzees, the simple fact remains that…..we are not chimps. In fact, many studies have recently reported that humans may be more closely related to another subspecies of chimp, the Bonobo. Bonobos are a much more egalitarian, less autocratic version of a chimp, where resources, food and yes, even sex, are more equally distributed than they are amongst their common chimp cousins. Studies of the human anatomy, from the sizes and positioning of sex organs, to the comparatively small differences in body sizes between males and females, indicate a point origin for humans that points to a far more egalitarian, resource sharing and peaceful existence than what we have been originally led to believe. The book Sex at Dawn, a recommended read for anyone who visits this blog, outlines that throughout 99% of humanity’s history, we lived as hunter-gatherers. Since we did not own land and did not have governments, rules, and restrictions, we did not have the same kinds of artificial pressures being put on us that we have now. Because of that, we lived a much more laid back, shared, and egalitarian lifestyle. Apparently, this is what real “human nature” is. Well, at least 99% anyway.
But what about today? Well, one can make the case that even now, with our modern amenities, rules, laws and customs, the universal alpha male still doesn’t make much sense. The big reason for this, as discussed in the last entry on the subject, is that human society today is so complex and varied, that it’s not really possible for one to be an “all around” alpha male. Donald Trump may be President of the United States, but he’s not going to fare well if he wants to become a male model. Placed in that environment, even when he was in his physical prime, he would get laughed off the stage. The star of your local NBA team may be dominating on the court, but if you ask him to make a scientific presentation amongst the world’s leading experts, he might not be as well received among that social circle. “But, but… the NBA is more important than the Scientific Community!” you may fire back. Firstly, shame on you! Secondly, yeah, maybe in America in 2018. But it’s surely not the same in many other parts of the world nor will it always be at different points in time. You see, because of our large numbers, cultural preferences, geographical and linguistic diversity, among many other things, our global society is far too nuanced and complex for a single alpha male to be universally revered, feared and respected.
Knowing this, how do we become an “alpha” then? Simple, find what it is that gives you passion, strength, what gets you out of bed in the morning. Once you discover that, become the very best at it that you can. By raising your standards, committing to excellence, and networking with a strong team, you will naturally end up being the leader of your own pack.
I confess…I’m an introvert. As such, I need a lot of things: I need at least 2 hours of “me” time for every 1 hour I spend socializing. When I do socialize, it had better be in a relatively quiet, laid back bar, lounge or other venue that has a relaxed ambience, and not some noisy club with blaring house or techno music so loud, you can’t hear yourself speak. When making plans, I need to work out when and where things will happen, and of course, the aforementioned “me” time needs to be accounted for in those plans as well.
When referring to the type of person just described, you might think that it would be crazy to expect someone like that to be a successful dater. After all, dating is hard enough, even when your personality does fit within the commonly accepted high levels of extraversion, gregariousness, cheerfulness, and spontaneity. But what if those words don’t describe you? What if you’re someone who is a bit more reserved, a bit quieter, a bit more methodical with your life? Is that it, then? Are you completely screwed out of having a successful dating life? Should we just accept our fate and sit around our apartments, collecting dust (and cats), playing video games/binge watching Netflix/reading/daydreaming for the rest of our lives?
While at first it can seem doubly tough for introverts to be successful at dating, due to significantly lower levels of social energy seemingly required to have a fun date, it does not mean that introverts are necessarily destined to be dateless hermits. On the contrary, introverts can oftentimes make for the best potential dates of all, provided that a) the introvert knows their strengths and who they are as a person and b) are willing to be flexible and adaptable around certain social expectations while dating. In this post, I will show you how introverts can take control of their dating destiny and dominate the dating market, regardless of whether or not society at large often paints our personality types in a less than flattering light. Let’s go!
Oftentimes when I speak to some of my newer introverted clients about what they expect their dating experiences to be like, they often tell me that they feel they must change who they are fundamentally, in order to seem more extroverted, boisterous, and outgoing than they truly are. After all, the messages these men get from society is that introverted guys are somehow “boring,” with no energy, nothing really important to say, and that they do nothing but sit in their rooms all day. While it’s true that there are some pretty dull guys out there, it would be a mistake to think that introverted men somehow have a monopoly on being uninteresting. I have seen (and you probably have too) plenty of examples of loud, obnoxious, extroverted guys who may seem charming and fascinating at first glance, but when you try to dig deeper, you find a whole lot of nothing. Conversely, some of the most interesting people on Earth are of the more introverted persuasion. I don’t think anybody will accuse Michael Jordan, President Obama, or Elon Musk (who many call the “Real Life Iron Man”) of being “boring.” The point is, if you are healthy, have a decent job, keep fit, take care of your fashion, grooming and appearance, have hobbies, and actually do get out of your house more than 3-4 times per week, then you are no less interesting than the majority of guys out there today. If you have goals and desires and are working toward living your best life, striving to get more out of your limited time on this planet, you are by default more interesting than most, because you now have reasons to live that don’t only include counting down the clock on the work week until 5PM Friday so you can spend the weekend in bed catching up on Stranger Things (not that there’s anything wrong with that show). None of these qualities have any bearing on whether or not you tend towards extraversion or introversion.
Furthermore, by feeling that you are inadequate because of how you choose to utilize your social energy, and by feeling that you have to change that in order to be more socially acceptable, you are, in essence coming across as inauthentic on your dates. Women are experts at sensing when a man is not being his true self, and let me tell you that women, particularly ones of high value, hate that. After all, if the guy she is meeting is being spurious about this, what else could he be deceiving her about? Authenticity is a quality that is grossly underrated in human interaction. If you’re introverted, don’t succumb to the pressure to be an extrovert. Embrace who you are, work within your strengths, and don’t apologize for it. You can learn better social skills, you can learn the right body language, you can learn to become funnier, but how you manage your social energy is largely hard-wired and, according to many studies, not possible to change to any significant degree. If you’re struggling with coming to terms with being an introvert, then I suggest reading the “Bible” of the subject, Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts In a World That Can’t Stop Talking. If you don’t have time for reading, then go to YouTube and listen to her TED talk, it’s well worth the 15 minutes. Her book was an incredible resource that helped me come to terms with and embrace my personality and behaviors, and as a result, helped me tremendously with my own dating life.
2) Don’t Become a Hermit- Mingle, in Moderation Of Course
Introverts like me tend to zero in on the nearest corner of the room, snack table, or balcony when going to a party. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, in fact, it’s a whole lot better, socially speaking, than not going at all and staying home. The mistake with parties is that we tend to think we need to stay there the whole time and interact with every single person there. Leave that task to the extroverts. One thing that I’ve always done to make big parties more bearable is to have a target goal in mind, for example, talking to three or four people there during the first hour, and then politely excusing myself to leave. Doing this gives you the best of both worlds: For one, you’re not acting like a standoffish blowhard by not showing up, yet at the same time, you are partying on your terms by engaging with a few key people and then leaving at an acceptable time. I have found that in my life, no one has ever given me a hard time for doing this, as long as I showed up, was visible, and interacted with people.
3) Be Open to Conversations in Unlikely Places
One thing that held me back quite a bit before going on my self-development journey was when I would go about my day acting completely oblivious to the people and activities going on around me. After all,I would tell myself, I am out here for a specific purpose. I’m going shopping/getting food/taking the subway or bus, and I’m not here to waste time in pointless conversation talking to anyone. At one point in my 20s, I was so caught up in my desire to not be disturbed that I would put in my earphones and listen to music whenever I would go out, partly because I liked my music, but also because I didn’t want any strangers coming up to me to start randomly chit-chatting with me. I had “better things to do.” Fortunately, I have since come to realize just how foolish this was, and how many opportunities, including opportunities for potential dates, that I missed because I was so stuck in my own head and attached to my own story. By being a little bit more receptive to the talking, conversation, and the mere presence of the people around me, I have since gained many more opportunities, for both business-related ventures as well as dating. The next time you see someone who you find attractive in a coffee shop, subway, convenience store, grocery store, etc, try starting conversation with them. It will help to push you outside your comfort zone, and also help you to flex those social muscles with people you find interesting. I have had several very strong dating prospects come from these chance encounters in these seemingly random places. It’s simple logic: The more open you are to opportunities, the more opportunities you’ll recognize, and the more opportunities you’ll ultimately get!
4) Focus on Building Your Social Circle Through Hobbies/Interests and Everything You Do
I will be doing plenty more entries on this topic, because in my personal view, developing, nurturing and expanding your social circle organically is hands down the most sure-fire way to bring the quality and the types of women you are seeking into your life. Whatever hobbies you enjoy, whatever games, books, sports, and activities you love to do, whatever fuels your passion in your job or career, take those things and “social-ize” them. Find a group, a Meetup, a club or an organization related to your interests, attend the meetings, hell, organize the meetings, get active and participate. Since these things are things you enjoy and are passionate about, you should have no problems, even as an introvert, with opening up and speaking to what you love. Chances are, there are females out there who share those interests of yours, and they will be at these events as well. Talk to everyone, build up your network, and use people in that network to introduce you to more people, etc, etc. rinse and repeat. You don’t have to be a boisterous extrovert in order to take advantage of this. Think of it more as a targeted search to do more socializing with people who will help fill your cup, a mission to find your tribe. Chances are you will meet a lot of compatible women in that tribe as well.
Practice with these the next time you are thinking about dating or finding people to date. As always, I hope you have found value from this post, and of course, I will re-visit this topic in future posts to give additional strategies and techniques for how introverts can take charge of their dating lives.
Are you an Introverted Man who is having trouble dating and forming relationships? Now that you know it’s possible to be a successful introverted dater, why not learn to unleash your full potential. Contact me at: firstname.lastname@example.org to schedule a free coaching session!