I have a confession to make: I’m a huge introvert.
Despite devoting my life to helping people improve themselves socially, I am quiet, laid back, and more observant, tending to think before I speak.
Unfortunately, it can be hard for us to accept the idea that we can be successful at dating, because the widespread beliefs are that:
a) Successful daters are “people persons”: outgoing, bubbly, chatty people. Quieter, more reflective people are boring….and dating should be fun.
b) Introverts don’t talk much because they don’t like people…why the hell would you want to date someone like that?
c) Introverts don’t talk much because they don’t have anything interesting to say…because their lives are boring. Why would you want to date someone like that?
For the longest time….I bought into this “common knowledge.” (despite the fact it’s all BS on it’s face).
I felt that only the strengths possessed by extroverts were the ones that truly mattered, and that I was screwed when it came to dating.
I started experimenting with new “personas,” trying to mold myself into what society thought would be more attractive.
Things like telling stupid jokes….talking about sports (which really isn’t my thing at all)….always having some quip or one liner on hand.
While it helped in the short term…at the end of the day, it was really draining. I was emotionally spent, and it felt fake as fuck.
I was getting some small successes…..but at the cost of who I was. I wasn’t liking who I was becoming.
At that point, I decided to do a full inventory of myself…..what I thought was attractive about me, about my character, about my temperament.
And I decided to make those the focus of my interactions.
I was going to be 100% unapologetically ME…and if they didn’t like it…..too bad for them.
By doing this, not only did I learn more about myself, but I learned more about the types of people I’m attracted to…where they hung out…what they liked doing.
And not only did the quantity of my dates increase…but so too did the quality.
By making that one shift….I was able to conquer so much of my doubts and insecurities about myself and where I stood.
Some of us have no problem trying to fit into society’s ideal of what a perfect person should be.
But don’t mistake that for a hard requirement for being successful in dating and finding your ideal match.