When people hear the words “dating coach” or even “relationship coach,” certain images come to mind.
The most popular is that of a super suave, suit and sunglasses-at-night wearing, wine drinking, yacht riding playboy, surrounded by hot babes….with or without lots of booze and coke to go along with it.
We associate all coaches with this lifestyle, so when someone like me comes along who clearly doesn’t run in those types of circles…..we immediately rush to doubt the source.
“You just look like a normal guy….how can YOU coach guys how to meet women?”
“Dude..you’re like….bald and stuff. How can you be an authority on attracting women?”
“Where’s all the money and bitches, man? I thought dudes like you lived the high life.”
(Yes, these were actual comments I received.)
It’s a good question though….how can I be an authority?
When I decided I needed to get a coach…I immediately looked at guys who on the surface looked like they were living it up.
My first coach was a 6’5″ male model…who has done acting and movie roles, and who used to be an assistant coach for one of the most well known dating and attraction experts (you’ve most likely seen this person on Youtube.)
At first, he seemed great. He looked like he had the life I wanted, and was attracting the types of women most guys would clamor for.
He taught me about confidence, and how to love myself again after my last relationship ended in a bad way.
But there was one thing that was missing..
I noticed this when he would approach and talk to women on our nights out.
The fact that he looked the way he did meant that his reality in dating was a whole lot different than mine.
When we were out, he would do nothing more than use his “natural advantages” to attract his prospects.
This is something that I was simply not going to be able to do.
Furthermore, this guy’s dates would end very quickly….and none of them led him to any long term success.
I didn’t learn much about how to improve conversation….how to make a deep connection…how to find out if this person was right for me or not…basically all the skills I really needed to know.
So after a while..I decided to leave his services and find someone else.
This time, I found someone who was a little older….a little greyer…a little shorter…..and a bit more average looking.
Although at first glance no one would mistake him for a “ladies man,” he did have some things that were very important:
1) He had a long term relationship with a woman who was about to become his fiancée. This was key, as it showed me that he was living the outcome that I desired for myself.
2) Since he didn’t have the “natural advantages” that my first coach had…..he had to go through a lot of failure and learning experiences for him to get to the place where he had to be in order to be a successful coach. He had been through the shit…..and lived to tell the tale.
3) Having been through all that, he worked painstakingly to find a system that worked for him…using his strengths…his own advantages, and most importantly, his own personality and character.
He may not have been the most glamorous, but his advice and teachings were what put my own dating life over the edge, to the point where for several months….I was dating 2-3 women per WEEK.
My own growth and development has been very similar to coach #2, and this is why I feel I am more effective.
Because I’ve been through all the challenges myself…I’ve seen all the ups and downs I’ve been both euphoric and depressed…. my challenges have fueled my growth…
and I’ve come out the other side, feeling pretty damn good, with an amazing partner.
What’s the lesson here?
The bling-bling and the fancy bells and whistles might look good at first, but it ultimately won’t mean much if it isn’t going to give you the result you want that’s aligned with who you are.