Every now and then, I’ll have a client or potential client approach me and say, “OK. I’m looking for a girl who is fit, in shape, eats right, is adventurous, is caring, giving, driven, smart, and entrepreneurial.” I’ll also have women mention the type of guys they’re looking for: “He must be tall, in good shape, have a full head of hair, work out every day, make six figures or more, be sweet and caring yet a badass (and know exactly when to be which), and be funny all the time.”
It’s only natural that this is the ideal that many men and women aspire to when choosing their partners. Looking at society through a wider lens with TV, movies, advertisements, our parents, our friends, and anyone or anything else regularly bringing up the topic of romance, we are constantly being exposed to the notion that people with these traits are the most desirable. Even when we take away the factors of the media and TV, there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting a partner like this. For women, I totally get why wealthy, tall, assertive, washboard ab-sporting guys are seen as the most attractive. For men, it’s completely natural to want a woman who looks good, takes care of herself, and who is kind. The issues arise when we fail to fully consider the other side of the equation- what it is we actually bring to the table.
I gave the example in an earlier post of how a guy who’s out of shape, lazy, unmotivated, broke, and who sits on the couch all day scarfing down Doritos while watching TV cannot realistically expect to attract a fitness model or someone who looks like they stepped out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog. Likewise, a woman who does not take care of herself, lacks ambition, dresses poorly, is rude, lacks conversational skills, and holes herself up inside her apartment all day cannot expect a Hollywood A-lister, a CEO or a professional athlete to just show up at her door. Why, though? “I thought you said it wasn’t all about looks!” you might respond. “Shouldn’t it be all about who you are on the inside? Your personality? What about values? If we have the same values, shouldn’t that entitle me to a fair shot at a top of the line guy/girl?”
The major issue here stems from the fact that a great many of us engage in a very binary, black-and-white thought pattern when it comes to the whole looks vs. personality debate. We have whole groups of online commenters, even whole online communities, devoted to the idea that looks and physical traits are everything in determining attraction, and that literally nothing else matters. On the other extreme, you have groups and communities based around the idea that looks don’t matter at all, and that an ugly, broke, humorless guy can “score” with a super hot model if he just knows the right things to say and has the right “lines,” or that an unfashionable, unkempt, uninteresting, unmotivated woman can attract a high-powered CEO or an NBA all-star. Neither of these extremes is the be all, end all, however. The truth, as is usually the case with dichotomies, lies somewhere in the middle.
Like it or not, the dating landscape of 2018 is indeed a marketplace, with the basic laws of supply and demand overseeing its workings like the proverbial Big Brother. People approach dating in this age with an attitude of “What’s the best deal I can get?” Both men and women are looking to match up with partners of equal value, not solely based on looks, but even more importantly, in terms of mutual shared values, interests, and personality traits. The out of shape unmotivated guy may complain that it’s his look that’s the reason why the fitness model with 1,000 steamy Instagram photos didn’t return his message. While that may certainly be part of the story, is it the whole story, though? Think about the vastly different lifestyles these two people live. The fitness model is constantly working out, taking care of herself, eating right and watching literally every morsel of food she is putting in her body. Her entire ability to generate income is closely tied to how she looks, so you can believe that most of her waking activities are going to be centered around maintaining her body in an optimal state. The couch surfing guy? While he may be a superstar in his office, his non-work activities, values and interests are likely nowhere near in the same ballpark as that of the fitness model. It’s clear that he does not value his body and appearance the same way she does. If he did, he would be taking better care of it than he currently does. Ironically, the extra attention he pays to it will help him to cultivate a better physical appearance for him. In addition, his commitment to staying in shape will now compliment the model’s commitment to fitness and lifestyle, which will greatly increase the probability that she will find him attractive, and that these two will get ultimately get along. So, can we really say that the incompatibility is a looks thing, or is that just a symptom of an even more underlying core value difference between the two of them? Ditto for the high-powered male CEO and the depressed, unkempt female recluse.
The underlying thing that we have to remember when looking to attract a specific type of mate is that you need to be able to match your potential mate in terms of the qualities and values that they bring to the table. If you look at yourself in the mirror, and you cannot realistically say that you can do this, then you need to figure out what it is that you need to modify in your life, in terms of habits, physical appearance, lifestyle, fashion, or whatever else, and make the necessary changes which will help you to better attract that type of mate. If you’re a rude, lazy, out of shape, and negative, then I hate to have to tell you, then that is exactly what you will attract into your life in terms of the opposite sex. If you’re poor, get a better job. If you’re overweight and hate it, develop a solid workout plan and stick to it. If you’re negative and rude, work on changing your outlook on life and treat people with more respect. Attracting the best people into your life is as much a matter of general self-development as it is about knowing where to look and what to say to them. Make the necessary changes. You don’t have to change who you are at the core. Just present yourself in the best way possible. After all, you attract what you are.