Attractiveness Cornerstone #4- Empathy and Warmth

OK guys, so now we come to the fourth and final Cornerstone of Attractiveness…

And it may be something you hadn’t thought of before.

The ideas of EMPATHY and WARMTH.

Now…if you listen to lot of other guys in the dating niche….they will downplay the importance of these ideas at best…

And straight up demonize them at worst….claiming that these traits are somehow “feminine” and that no “real man” should bother working on them.

I find views like this to be extremely short-sighted.

Because in the quest to be the biggest “Billy Bad-Ass” on Earth…these guys forget one thing….

That straight up cocky and macho behavior might impress and woo women in the first few moments….

But without the balance of the strength WITH the tenderness…women are likely to grow tired very soon.

Balancing this trait with the other three mentioned this week is something to strive for to keep strong healthy relationships going.

Too much aggressiveness and machismo….and you risk of being a complete asshole.

Too much empathy and warmth with no decisiveness, and you risk being a complete doormat.

It’s like Yin and Yang…..you need to nurture both of these (along with presentation and confidence) if you are going to maximize your attractiveness.

So what does Warmth and Empathy look like?

-It’s putting yourself in the shoes of your date….and being able to balance thinking about her comfort….her well being…her needs, as well as your own.

-It’s putting her at her ease, being able to come across as a friendly, sociable guy, who knows how to handle himself in a conversation.

– It’s being PRESENT in the moment (I did a post on this back in July), and being able to relax and enjoy the moment, not always thinking about what you’re going to get.

Next time you’re on a date….think about ways in which you can better accomplish these points.

What can you do to better show empathy and warmth?

Remember guys, balance is key in all things

Attractiveness Cornerstone #3- Decisiveness and Assertiveness

Why DECISIVENESS and ASSERTIVENESS are so attractive.

When we hear the words “decisiveness” and “assertiveness,” one of the first things that comes to mind for a lot of guys is someone who is a disagreeable asshole…

Someone who only values his own wants and needs, and pushes for his way…without thinking of anyone else.

Think of a tyrannical CEO or a high school bully.

This description misses the mark, however.

Sure, assertiveness and decisiveness are all about knowing what you want and going for it.

But the mistake happens in thinking you have to mistreat others in order to get it.

There’s nothing wrong or “mean spirited” about knowing what you want, setting goals, confidently pursuing them, without letting anything stand on your way.

Assertive does not equate to asshole.

“But Michael…why is it important? Why do we need these traits?”

Try using empathy and putting yourself in the shoes of your ideal woman….

Is she the type of girl who is going to appreciate someone who doesn’t know what he wants…who doesn’t show desire and fortitude?

Or is she more likely to appreciate someone who takes the proverbial bull by the horns…and isn’t going to let the little bullshit in life drag him down?

On the other side….would you want a woman who can’t make a decision? Who always needs to be led around by the nose?

Assertiveness and Decisiveness are attractive because they show CONFIDENCE (tying in to yesterday’s post) and they show that you HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

Nothing is more attractive than that.

How do you guys show assertiveness on your life? How do you think you should show it?

Attractiveness Cornerstone #2- Confidence

My thoughts on CONFIDENCE

(And no, this is not just another cliche “Be Confident” post)

Where does confidence come from? How can we get more of it?

I’m going to give you my advice…but first.

When I first wanted to improve my dating life by doing “game”…..

One of the biggest themes I always came across was the idea of “stepping outside your comfort zone.”

The idea being that if you continually put yourself in situations that are uncomfortable or challenging for you…

Eventually you will get so used to it, that you will develop rock solid confidence and can handle yourself anywhere.

Sounds good in theory, but it never worked for me.

Why?…Because I was doing things that deep down, I didn’t want to do, and that went against my idea of a good, fun time.

At first, I was told I needed to put myself in venues that were going to “challenge” me, like loud bars and nightclubs.

As someone who prefers peace and quiet…I always hated those places, and never saw myself ever liking them.

For 2 years, every weekend, I hit up the bars and clubs, using strategies I was taught, hoping that eventually I would gain competence and confidence.

Those things never came.

2 years on, I was still questioning myself as to whether I could ever meet a woman I really wanted.

But when I changed things up, and made more of an effort to meet women in places where I WAS comfortable (like online and meetup groups)..

My results improved…and then, I got a lot more confidence.

So much so, that I was able to go out to those more challenging venues later on and do a much better job..

Because mentally…I already had proof that I could achieve success.

So what’s the lesson here?

A lot of “experts” will tell you that to build confidence, you have to immediately go out and do things that make you uncomfortable…

To “step into the discomfort” and “force” yourself to grow.

I call bullshit on that.

Instead, how about doing the opposite? Start out building your confidence by getting success in areas where you know you can, and build from there.

You may find it a lot easier and more fun to work at. And because of that, you may find you are in a much better position to meet your ideal woman!

Fun times….situations where you are naturally confident and competent, and don’t have to “pump your state”…women who have things in common with you?

Sounds like a win-win to me.

Attractiveness Cornerstone #1- Presentation

PRESENTATION is one of the “4 cornerstones of attraction.”

What does Presentation mean?

-Style
-Grooming
-Fitness

These DO matter. They are the first things women notice when they see you.

So if you want to get your foot in the door and have amazing dates with attractive women, you’re going to need to have these on point.

“But why, Michael? Shouldn’t she just like me for my character and personality?”

Ideally, yes. But consider this:

If your date showed up wearing sweatpants and flip flops, with disheveled hair, smelling like she hadn’t bathed in a week, would you want to keep seeing her?

Yeah, didn’t think so.

So how can we maximize these things?

Grooming:
-SHAVE!
-Remove unsightly hair
-Style your hair with purpose and see a stylist if you don’t know how
– Bathe daily( this should be obvious)

Fitness:
-Get thee to a gym!
-If you hate gyms, find something fun to do outdoors that moves your body.
-Pay attention to you diet and calorie intake
-Rinse and repeat

Style:
-Wear stuff that fits. See a tailor if you don’t know.
– Find clothes that express your personality and who you are.

You don’t have to be dressed in a suit every day. With the right fit and intention, you can make a t shirt and jeans look sexier than a frumpy suit.

The “4 Cornerstones of Attractiveness” for Men

 

What does it take to be truly attractive?

Do you have to be some super badass “alpha bro” who walks and talks like a douchebag?

One limiting belief that always stuck to me like glue was the idea that if I wanted to be successful in my dating and social life….

I would have to change myself into a completely different person and “sell out” who I really was and wanted to be.

For years I struggled to take action…because I didn’t think it was possible to:

A) Find a great relationship and date amazing women, while
B) Being true to who I really was… a person who I liked, admired and valued.

But as I got more experienced….I discovered that the most important thing you can do on a date is to just make the other person FEEL GOOD, regardless of who you were.

When I dropped my pre-conceived beliefs, and went in without expectations and just had a good time.

I started getting a lot more dates (including second/third/fourth dates)

If your date feels positive, excited emotions around you…

They’ll want to see you again. It’s that simple.

“But Michael…How in the blue hell can we do this?”

In my experience, both with myself and coaching other guys, it really comes down to 4 things:

-Confidence
-Presentation
-Decisiveness
-Sociability

Notice there’s nothing here about money/height/status, etc.

That’s because…while those things can get you initial attention….they won’t be able to sustain anything meaningful long term.

With the above 4…you can get initial attention….AND sustain healthy, kickass relationships.

I’ll be covering each one of these in an upcoming post this week..so stay tuned!

“She Broke Up With Me Because of My Schedule” Or…..How to Date When We’re Busy.

My friend Kevin was seeing a girl who he said was “extraordinary.” She was a lawyer working for a major firm in Manhattan, and he was a banker with very long working hours.

On paper…everything worked out. They were both driven, professional, growth minded people who were looking for someone similar.

But after a month of dating….she called everything off.

Not because of any major incompatibilities….

But because with their busy schedules…they had trouble finding times to actually meet.

Kevin was depressed….he felt as though if he wanted to date..he was going to have to find someone who was much less growth oriented and driven than he was.

But here’s the thing….the hard truth that I told him.

If either of you were really committed to seeing each other….you would have found a way to make the time to do so.

People who really want to meet and date will find a way to work around their schedules.

After asking him a few questions about his schedule…I found out that he wasn’t really putting in that much effort to go see her.

-He would call at the last minute and try to schedule something hours in advance often when she was working.

– He wouldn’t plan out dates and times to meet, to work around each other’s busy schedules.

This became a problem for the girl he was seeing, as whenever he wanted to do something, she was busy, and vice versa.

Perhaps you found yourself in a similar situation?

So is that it then? Are busy guys relegated to dating do-nothing homebodies for the rest of their lives?

Not at all!

Once I helped Kevin make three simple tweaks to his approach, things turned around massively, and the next hot-shot lawyer he dated became his current girlfriend!

1) Figuring out the scheduling needs of his date, ahead of time: This helped Kevin to coordinate his busy schedule with hers, to ensure that they always had a time to meet. This includes having backup times in case something falls through.

2) Finding a common time each week to meet. Kevin and his current girlfriend owe a lot of their early success to planning out common times each week to meet, and sticking to that time. In Kevin’s case, it was Saturday morning (the only time they could devote to dating regularly).

It may be boring and repetitive, but as a busy guy, sometimes you will need something routine to help keep things going.

3) Cutting out unneeded activities. (I struggled with this one….Netflix and video games are a helluva drug!)  Sometimes we need to cut out from our lives that which is not serving us. I helped Kevin identify what these were, and it turned out that he had a lot more time on his hands than he thought.

If you’re a busy guy, you could choose to continue dating despite your busy life, or you could decide to give up dating until your life becomes less hectic. Both are acceptable choices.

However, if you choose to continue to date, all is not lost. Perhaps just a few small changes can end up making all the difference.

Dating As An Introvert- Why You Shouldn’t Feel Pressured to Change

 

I have a confession to make: I’m a huge introvert.

Despite devoting my life to helping people improve themselves socially, I am quiet, laid back, and more observant, tending to think before I speak.

Unfortunately, it can be hard for us to accept the idea that we can be successful at dating, because the widespread beliefs are that:

a) Successful daters are “people persons”: outgoing, bubbly, chatty people. Quieter, more reflective people are boring….and dating should be fun.

b) Introverts don’t talk much because they don’t like people…why the hell would you want to date someone like that?

c) Introverts don’t talk much because they don’t have anything interesting to say…because their lives are boring. Why would you want to date someone like that?

For the longest time….I bought into this “common knowledge.” (despite the fact it’s all BS on it’s face).

I felt that only the strengths possessed by extroverts were the ones that truly mattered, and that I was screwed when it came to dating.

I started experimenting with new “personas,” trying to mold myself into what society thought would be more attractive.

Things like telling stupid jokes….talking about sports (which really isn’t my thing at all)….always having some quip or one liner on hand.

While it helped in the short term…at the end of the day, it was really draining. I was emotionally spent, and it felt fake as fuck.

I was getting some small successes…..but at the cost of who I was. I wasn’t liking who I was becoming.

At that point, I decided to do a full inventory of myself…..what I thought was attractive about me, about my character, about my temperament.

And I decided to make those the focus of my interactions.

I was going to be 100% unapologetically ME…and if they didn’t like it…..too bad for them.

By doing this, not only did I learn more about myself, but I learned more about the types of people I’m attracted to…where they hung out…what they liked doing.

And not only did the quantity of my dates increase…but so too did the quality.

By making that one shift….I was able to conquer so much of my doubts and insecurities about myself and where I stood.

Some of us have no problem trying to fit into society’s ideal of what a perfect person should be.

But don’t mistake that for a hard requirement for being successful in dating and finding your ideal match.

Dating in a Small Town

“MICHAEL..IT’S EASY FOR YOU TO DATE…YOU LIVE NEAR ONE OF THE BIGGEST CITIES IN THE WORLD….WHAT ABOUT ME OUT HERE IN PODUNK, insert state name?”

When I first speak to potential coaching clients, one of the objections that often gets thrown my way is how can I make my program work for guys who don’t live in or near big cities, and have limited opportunities to meet people.

It’s true….living near a big city is the shit!

You get access to more people, there’s an endless variety of venues and activities, and in the unfortunate case where a date goes south, you likely won’t ever have to see that person again.

Cities are awesome…. But so are suburban and rural areas. You need to learn what the advantages are and leverage them.

Did you know that before I came to New York, I lived in rural Connecticut, in what was termed a dating “dead zone?”

When I transferred there for my new job, I immediately wanted to quit…not because the job sucked, but because I did not think I was going to have any kind of social life whatsoever.

All I saw around me were boomers, married couples, and children. Great people to hang out with, but not exactly the best romantic prospects for me (no offense to any boomers).

Single women in my preferred age range were nowhere to be found…..or so it seemed.

On the surface…it didn’t look like I was going to go on a lot of dates.

But soon after, I decided to stop the defeatist thinking and figure out a way to make dating work.

I was able to come up with a strategy that actually got me more dates than at any other place I’ve lived in.

(And no, it won’t require you to travel 100+ miles to the nearest big city.)

So how did it work? Three things you want to focus on:

 #1: Focus on Online Dating

This is a big one. In places far away from cities, there is going to be less foot traffic and less people readily available to approach out of the blue. Especially if you have just moved and have not yet set up a social circle, online dating becomes doubly critical.

Don’t just throw up a few photos on Tinder and call it a day, either. Since you have less people to work with, you’ll want to join and use multiple apps to get access to the most people possible. A good rule of thumb is to sign up for around 5 apps. You could use a combination of free and paid apps (personally, I used 3 free and 2 paid apps when I was living in CT.) This should give you a good chance to meet people, without having to sacrifice a boatload of time doing so.

#2: While Online, Expand Your Search Radius

In NYC, oftentimes singles won’t date anyone more than 5 miles away. In many ways, this makes sense, as nobody wants to sit through a painful subway ride or slog their way through traffic just to go a handful of miles just to meet some stranger they found online for a date that may or may not be worthwhile.

 

But if you’re living in a small town, that attitude needs to change if you’re going to be successful. Again, because there are fewer potential singles around you, you are going to want to look a bit further than you normally would have. For me, I set my search radius as far as 2 hours away (about 120 miles assuming I drive 60 mph on the highway).

Now I actually didn’t want to drive 2 hours. When a date and I first met, I would find place in between me and her that we cold both get to in about an hour. So in actuality, I would only be driving an hour away (about the same amount of time I would be spending on public transport to go 7 miles or so in NYC on certain days). You may be putting a few miles on the odometer, but less traffic and congestion means that you won’t be wasting as much gas as you would sitting in traffic in a large city, especially if you have a car with good gas mileage (which I feel is a necessity when you’re living so far from everywhere.)

#3: Build Up a Social Circle

We should be doing this no matter where we live….but it becomes more and more important to have this kind of support around you when there a fewer of you.

One might think that using the Internet to search Meetup groups may be key here, but in fact, I never found much success with this…as many small towns are so small that they don’t even have meetup groups.

Instead, I did the opposite, I got out more and met people face to face. I became a regular at many places downtown. I talked to people about the weather, sports, etc, and slowly gained their trust. There’s a stereotype about small town people being cliquish and standoffish to new arrivals. This can be true. It can take a lot of time to build up trust with people in anew community. You will have to do your best to chip away at them until they come around.

When they do, you will find that even if the people you are talking to are not necessarily great romantic prospects, in many cases they know other people who are, and they can introduce you to them. This is where having a social circle becomes an advantage. You can use the people you’ve made friends with almost as a vetting tool, giving you instant social proof for the people they introduce you to.

Another great advantage of developing a social circle is that in a small town, your reputation travels quickly. For example, if you’re a man who tries to run “pickup” techniques on the local women like you would in a big city like NYC or London, people are going to catch on to that really quickly, and that reputation will stick with them as long as you’re there. This is not necessarily a good thing. Having people in your friend group who can vouch for the awesome person you are definitely makes a huge difference.

Bonus Tip: Develop PATIENCE

In today’s fast paced, instant gratification society, we expect things to happen for us immediately, and when they don’t, we’re disappointed. Living in big, fast paced cities, we tend to be able to get what we want faster.

Living in a small town or rural area in many ways runs counter to this idea. The pace of life is slower, and while people are more likely to stop what they’re doing to talk to you as a result of this, it may ultimately take them a while longer for them to really develop that sense of trust and appreciation. You may also need to take more time building a social circle and interacting with more people in a non-romantic way in order to lead to more romantic prospects. You may need to drive farther to meet people from online. You will need to be patient with this. If you can avoid panicking from the whole experience if things don’t work out quickly, you will stand a much better chance of being successful dating in a smaller town.

Good luck, and happy dating!

The Problem With (Most) Dating Coaches

There’s something that most dating coaches and “experts” do that really annoys me. It’s this idea that all of your dating problems and issues are caused by external factors…and that your confidence and self worth are solely determined by how women respond to you. If women respond well to you…then you’re a great guy…a stud…an “alpha.” If they don’t…..then there’s something wrong with you…and you need to change.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with becoming a better person (I encourage this)…But the problem arises when coaches, consciously or not, enable their students to believe that a woman’s opinion of them reflects on their universal value as a man.They end up focusing too much on ONLY changing external situations….and it may give them a false sense of confidence in the short term.

But then things start to get a little rocky…that false confidence goes away, and they are back to square one.

Frustrated….unsure of themselves….cursing dating and women.All because they didn’t tackle the right problem. That problem is what they are thinking and feeling on the INSIDE…about themselves…about dating…about women.

All the superficial shit (how should I style my hair….what vocal inflection should I use?) isn’t going to get you lasting success, if you don’t work on changing your negative thought patterns.

The reason most coaches don’t do this? Because it means they would have to do more work….

-More work to understand the individual personalities of their students, and how they would need to adjust strategies to suit each client.

-More work to understand the different types of women they are attracted to….and how some women won’t be impressed by the corny BS lines that most 20 year old “master” coaches are spitting out.

-More work to understand the relationship and life goals of each individual.

Basically, if it’s not a on size-fits all program where they can treat each client as if they were a unit on an assembly line….they don’t want any part of it. Because let’s be honest…. they’re lazy, and they’re not concerned with understanding who you are and what your needs are.

Are ALL dating coaches this way? Certainly not! But when researching potential coaches, be wary of anyone who tries to shoehorn you into a formulated program, and who prescribes the same solution to you that they do to literally anyone else.

The fact is that people are different, and each one has their own particular set of issues, tastes, personalities, and temperaments. A good coach will know how to meet all of these different types of people where they are, and help them to accentuate their own personal strengths. They will not try to make you take on their idea of what constitutes strength, especially if that’s the type of thing that turns you off.

You shouldn’t have to totally change who you are and what you like just to impress girls.

 

 

“DON’T BE SO NEEDY, BRO!”

I remember this great date I had.

We had a fantastic time….and she said she was looking forward to seeing me again.

I also remember watching a Youtube advice video around that time, telling me that I should wait several days before texting a girl back. It said:

“Texting too soon is needy behavior. You’ve got to show her that you’re a high value guy who’s got a lot of shit going on for him. Wait 2 days before texting again. Then set up the date.”

So 2 days later I texted.

and got nothing back.

I waited another day..

She responded back….

We talked for a bit, and when I brought up the subject of a second date, she said.

“Actually…this is awkward…but when I didn’t hear back from you the other night…I thought you lost interest. A couple of days ago, I actually decided to make it official with another guy I’ve been seeing.”

We exchanged a few more lines of text before wishing each other luck.

I was disappointed.

I had the chance to strike while the iron was hot, and I didn’t do it, all because of some “rule” that some random Youtuber thought was in my best interest.

But women, like men, are usually seeing more than one person when they’re dating casually. 

At any time during that process, they could decide to become exclusive with any of those guys….including you.

And women who have other options aren’t going to wait around for you.

It’s true….showing TOO MUCH interest can be a huge turn off……but showing TOO LITTLE can also cost you.

In this case, the girl thought I wasn’t interested…and it could have been for any number of reasons.

So how do we know what is too much and what is too little interest?

The questions you want to ask are: How did the date go? How much did you enjoy it? How much do you think she enjoyed it? Gauge things by how the date went….and reply accordingly.

If you felt that chemistry…there’s no shame in texting soon after to start setting up that second date.

Use your best judgment….. and remember that content offering a “universal, one size fits all” solution is not going to work in every case.